What supports mums as they home-educate?

It's hard being isolated and it can be tricky forming a group

Choosing to home-educate initially left me isolated and that was hard. Choosing to collaborate with other home-educators to create a learning co-operative was also hard. One of the most challenging yet rewarding endeavours of my life. I went in deep to work out ways for this life choice to work, and the answer I discovered was in the building of community, a richness beyond my expectations.

Home-ed mums have a lot to manage, it might not seem like overwork, but, unless there are close friends and family daily on the doorstep it is likely that they are under supported mentally and emotionally. Flowing empathic adult conversation may be lacking, even when spending time with other parents with their children, as the children often need the focus.

Stay-at-home parenting is being on call 24/7 and as a mum, with a high tendency towards serving, it’s easy to lose track of serving our own needs. Especially after rolling out of the early years when the children were less able to manage any self-care, or with a child who needs extra ongoing support. Sharing the day-to-day challenges and joys, being seen in our efforts and celebrating what’s good can make all the difference, especially when that comes from people who know us well and care for our wellbeing.

Family Wellbeing

Home-educating is a precious and valid option and yet the pressure on the mum and impact to her health can be great. As the holder of our children’s mental and emotional wellbeing, we sometimes forget how important it is to be held ourselves. Building community is an answer to this. It provides the fourth pillar required for optimum health; nutrition, movement, rest and community. It can mean that the impact of home-educating on the mother’s health can be a positive one. Studies of the Blue Zone countries show that wellbeing is highest where strong community is present. However, in westernised countries we have largely lost what it is to be in community. The first task then, is rediscovering of how to be in community.

A community is a living breathing thing. It is an entity in itself, like an eco-system of interconnected elements where we learn that all our actions play a part. It is dynamic and ever changing and passes through many phases in its lifecycle from planting a seed, to its young and vulnerable emergence, through to its full and vibrant blossoming, ending with the maturation of new seeds with even further reach, touching more landscapes to begin new cycles and evolutions with even greater positive impact.

But what about when the process of building community has a negative impact on the health of the mum?

There is a lot of scope for coming together and all too swiftly coming apart. This is because we are ill-equipped for dealing with what comes up due to the systems and cultures in which we have been raised that were largely devoid of compassionate, connecting, and regenerative strategies. We are simply not used to holding space and working through the relational issues that arise, and no-one wants to hang around in a sea of tension.

Group Process

Building community and rediscovering its magic involves a group process that starts at a point of convergence, where a group of people recognise that they have shared interests and set out to work together. Then as opinions and perspectives are progressively shared, there may be a number of proposed directions in which the members of the group want to go. This divergence can be a time of disorientation and challenge. It involves some degree of chaos, tension and the unknown, before re-convergence is possible. This is a natural phenomenon but can be scary and can frighten people away who equate conflicting views with failing and have yet to experience the use specific processes for walking towards conflict and strengthening trust.

We have a tendency in the west, (thanks to our schooling), to prioritise engagement in outwards learning and productivity over nurturing personal relationships to self, others, and nature. This scenario means that our wellbeing takes a backseat as we are trained to focus, be obedient, productive, and attain academic achievement. This imbalance vastly neglects our interpersonal relationships which if consistently left unattended can create a heavy atmosphere that no-one wants to be in. Without this all-important motivation to be together, creativity, collaboration and joy is lost.

I like the way the Transition Movement describe how the two objectives are equally important. They refer to them as ‘doing’ and ‘being’. The doing relating to action, and the being to our relationships. Similar to Joanna Macy’s attending to both our inner and outer landscapes. XR puts it nicely by saying that only when we’ve nourished ourselves and have capacity are we in a position to give fully, (and without ending up exhausted). In NVC we acknowledge that it is easier and more joyful to support others to meet their needs when we have been able to meet our own needs as well. This draws us towards the beauty of reciprocity and the magic of a restorative community.

This is because truth telling, empathy, consideration and celebration are all restorative. They nourish our nervous systems and encourage happy hormones to circulate and motivate. They include the warm fuzzy endorphins or hormones of love which are a huge boost to our safety, willingness to participate and general wellbeing.

Home educating mums together

Community to Village

In celebrating the role and efforts of the mother within home-education, we recognise the challenges that are involved. It’s a role with high responsibility that can have a strong impact on the mental, emotional, and physical wellbeing of the mum, which in turn affects the child’s experience. Being on call 24/7 can lead to compassion fatigue, feeling like the nervous system is shattered and lacking the energy to even get out the door.

Unexpected magic is revealed when a group dedicates itself to working out. However, we must speak with honesty about the challenges in coming together to support one another. About the fears, judgements, tensions, and conflicts that emerge and how to work effectively with them.

If we can open our perspective with the aim to shift our mindset more favourably towards collaboration and hope, adopt tools that equip the individual and the collective to navigate the new terrain, we can foster a culture that is more akin to a village, and an answer to today’s separateness.

Raising our children within this village model challenges the status quo and creates a movement of social change towards a culture of connection, reciprocity, and trust. As mothers of the next generation, we do our job of raising best when we ourselves are well-held within the loving arms of community.

Missing Link

Mums are expected to hold more than they have capacity for and are experiencing burnout.  They have become used to being the leaders of their micro-community in the home and so when they seek to expand their capacity they look to nutrition, movement and rest through books and apps and TV. All valid endeavours which will have a positive impact; however, I can’t help thinking that targeting personal growth alone supports the preservation of the status quo; as in mums continuing to be unsustainably overworked and under-supported.

I’ve come to understand that if we add community as a fourth pillar of health to our nutrition, movement, and rest then we are holistically supported in meeting our needs. Together we raise our experience of life, and our wellbeing thrives.

What if we challenged the status quo of mothers holding the helm independently to their exhaustion, and courageously come together as parents to collaborate in raising our children?  What if in doing this we can co-create a village-feel where threads of reciprocity weave throughout?

What if as mothers we are held in community where we are seen and valued and aided by the many and varied ways in which a village raises each other?

Healthy Modelling

The benefits offered by community don’t just stop at the mother. All members become known and benefit from that belonging. Parents and children equally. Additionally to all the rich offerings and holding, it is incredibly empowering for children to witness the efforts of the adults around them to work together to overcome challenges, to learn together as equals.

Working out how to care for each other in community is fantastic modelling for our children and will hopefully set this ethic as a baseline for their future, feeding into our collective need for systemic and cultural change towards regeneration.

In focusing on the needs of the home-educator, most often the mum, we acknowledge the mighty task she has accepted, and the strain to her health if she neglects her own health needs. Our purpose as mothers is to help meet the needs of our children. The purpose of community is to hold its members in a loving embrace that says, you belong, you’re safe, and we value you. Setting the conditions in which to thrive. Fairness dictates that this should extend to all members, not just the children.

Challenges of Building Community

Co-creation is a rich experience involving many dynamics that our past schooling has left us ill-equipped to deal with and often leads to conflict and disbandment. Working together has the power to shatter many limiting beliefs if we have the courage and tools to sift through them.

Our generation has a lot to filter through and heal. Once done we can be more present generally and to our overall purpose in life. A restorative community can offer a container for this to happen, and whatever we collectively heal as a generation, we spare the next generation from the consequences of avoidance and isolation.

Life is a mixed bag of challenges and celebrations, and for children to witness this beyond the home in a proactive and collaborative way helps them see that it is part of life and together we can sail the seas whether calm or stormy. It builds empowered resilience, where creative solutions are sought and confidence to act comes with more ease.

The Bigger Picture

The holistic view of home-education recognises the mother’s role in the growth of a healthy child, and how growing in community meets our needs for social support, value and belonging. It invites in an acceptance of our interconnectedness, which creates the foundations of extending our care and consideration beyond ourselves and our immediate community to that of all those that makes up our world, and the earth itself.

When we get together and speak from the heart inspired by our unique lived experiences, we expand our muscles of compassion. This draws together our rich learnings to strengthen our collective mindset and practical skills. We get creative, collaborate, experiment, and learn new tools that empower the continuation of a thriving home-educating community. One that can hold both parents and children through their journey of growth. One that is akin to a village.