When Home-ed Parent Anxiety Strikes...

As a home-ed parent, you know these moments arise now and again. Often during times of transition. Times when suddenly you’re having a mum melt-down and want out.

Overwhelm strikes and your inner critic is let loose, questioning whether you even have what it takes to do this. Whether you’re enough, or whether you’re somehow restricting your children’s progress.

The weight of the responsibility is great, and you just want to run away and hide. But with so many sceptical eyes watching, you don’t want to expose yourself in this new wobble. Your inner voice is harsh enough, without adding outer voices to back up your doubts.

In fact, you’re already trying to convince yourself of all the reasons why school would be an OK option after all, despite knowing that deep down it’s an entirely mismatched culture from that which you’ve intentionally created within your own home.

So, what can you turn to when you just want to pack it all in?

Here are some things that have worked for me over my 18 years of being a home-ed parent:

Self-compassion

In these moments I find the internal chatter is often counterproductive, undermining my ability to do my best for my children. However, complaints, criticisms, blame and judgement can be very useful pointers into what we need.

Firstly, it’s a sign we’ve overwhelmed our current capacity and need to take a break. We have gone into fight or flight. Our primitive brain takes over with its quest to keep us safe from exposure, it goes to extreme lengths to ensure we stay small, inconspicuous, and out of harms way.

One thing I’ve discovered is that it can be very freeing to confront my inner critic. I do this by making an exhaustive list of its complaints. I then get a sense of being heard. I feel acknowledged and that my experience matters. This gives me some sense of relief. It also gives me choice.

Exposing myself like this can also be a bit of a shock. When I realise what I’ve been saying to myself; the baseline I’ve been trying to function from, I can see that it’s no wonder I’m struggling when up against such criticism. I can then thank my inner critic for alerting me to the fact that I really need a little care right now.

I remember that my anxiety arose because it is so important to me to provide my children with whatever they need to thrive in this world. And that this starts with an emotionally regulated mum that can be present to whatever arises for them.

If I’m really honest, maybe I notice I’m currently not enjoying things the way they are, the excess conflict or apathy, the lack of ease and flow that I long for. Maybe I realise we’re not getting out enough, or perhaps too much, or simply the challenge of meeting the needs of multiple children feels relentless and exhausting right now.

Sometimes I just feel lonely and isolated.

It is a lot to manage.

It is a lot to hold.

And most of it is unseen.

The daily and ongoing needs of a home-ed family is high tension, high responsibility, and most of us rarely get adequate breaks to recharge. This life we have chosen is for very good reason. However, it does not come without its challenges. Acknowledge this, then re-assess if you’re still fully invested on this path. Do you still back your choice to home-educate? If not fully, can you access your sense of curiosity and explore what guidance and support is out there for you?

In my experience, curiosity leaves very little room for fear and anxiety.

Aligned Support

Sometimes we need a little guidance to reconnect with our values and reaffirm our choices. It’s not always easy to find this. It can be the case that our families aren’t convinced by our decision to home-educate and perhaps the only interaction with other HE parents is drop-off and pick-up, like school gate chatter that doesn’t allow space for vulnerability.

Over the years where overwhelm and doubt has reared its head, I’ve reached for the bookshelves to widen my perspective. I’ve come across a few incredible reads that are not only reassuring, but they also enable me to reconnect to my values and lead to a fresh burst of motivation and energy. Suddenly, quite miraculously, I can feel inspired and find creative ways to set us back on our own unique path again.

My favourite home-ed book at the moment is Naomi Fishers, ‘A Different Way to Learn’. It’s just awesome. Entirely in line with my perspective which I find highly affirmative and energising. In fact, when I was reading it my experience was like receiving a new wind, which brings to mind geese flying in formation and benefiting from the lift of the goose ahead, able to fly with far less efforting.

There have been times, however, when a book felt like too much or not enough and I’m grateful then to the amazing professionals I’ve reached out to, such as fantastic NVC trainers or a ‘Highly Sensitive Person’s’ coach. I’ve discovered that being accompanied in my struggles and efforts allows for a much more efficient transformation into the peace and ease that I long for. My self-enquiries are more focused, more compassionate and more effective, leading me to back my decision 100% without wobble and worry.

Natures Nourishment

As a herbalist I’ve been able to prescribe myself highly effective restorative tonics in order to support my mental, emotional and physical well-being whilst giving myself the opportunity to rise to meet my challenges.

Many herbs have a specific affinity for certain parts of the body and so herbal medicines can be tailored to meet the needs of the person. Tonic herbs, for example, build up strength and improve functioning to a certain system or organ, such as the nervous system as a whole, or specifically the adrenal glands. This is because herbal medicines are essentially concentrated foods made up of a complex array of chemicals which our bodies know exactly what to do with after millennia of close evolution. It is concentrated nutrition and lapped up by those parts which are depleted and in need of feeding and restoration.

Even without being a herbalist, we can all turn to food as our medicine. We can drink chamomile for shock, eat oats to sooth the nervous system, or good oils to boost our brain. We can see that our reaching for the chocolate relates to our need for the magnesium that is required for our muscles to be able to relax out of their tension.

The power of nature always astounds me. This morning when I was out blackberrying, I was reminded of how trees can model to us ways in which to care for ourselves. Like the oak who stands strongly rooted, or the willow which is so flexible, or the poplar which shivers and shakes to let the strong energy pass through.

Even without ingesting it, nature still has the power to adjust our physiology and bring us back into a more regulated emotional state. It can be as simple as stepping outside of our door to take in a deep breath of air, or to receive the expanse of sunlight surrounding us, or feel the breeze on our cheek. This little nature pause can be all it takes to settle and ground, giving us a much needed little mini re-charge moment.

Coming back into our centre

Anxiety can have us fretful and tense, overwhelmed and stuck. We can feel battered by our inner critic and exhausted by mentally cycling our fears. We lose sight of what’s important to us, forget how capable we are, and want to run and hide. Instead of packing it all in, could it be that what we really need is to press pause? Some self-compassion, some support and inspiration? How could you be kinder to yourself, restore your energy and passion and get back on board?

As a herbalist and health coach, I love working with other home-educators. Over a 3-month period you can restore your strength, capacity and trust in yourself and slip into a easeful groove that suits the unique needs of your family. If this sounds like something you’d love to sign up for, then get in touch!